AWAY AT LAST .. TWICE!
My mother’s unwillingness or inability to be free from drugs and her dependency on my father devastated me.I thought that she should leave him and that everything would get better!
But the psychiatrist told me that they were totally co-dependent and could not live without each other, no matter how dangerous it was for them to live together. My mother played the victim her whole life and I bought into it. She told me that my father was a terrible, horrible man, and I believed her. It colored my view of my father most of my life. It prevented me from having or wanting a relationship with him. I wanted them apart so desperately I would have paid for the divorce.
I then began to believe, the real victim was not my mother or my father, it was my sister Peaches. She basically raised herself. She did what she wanted and wouldn’t listen to the parents even when they gave her instructions. Peaches eventually moved up to the attic and took the key with her. My father had by then, moved downstairs into my old bedroom. I wanted desperately to take her with me, but I was not old enough to obtain custody, let alone support her, or myself. Home life became unbearable, I had to get out!
When I was 18, I went away for 3 months. I attended a Bible school in Minneapolis, Minnesota. I knew nothing about this school other than my good friend attended
there. “Someone” told me I wouldn’t need a winter coat until much later in the year.
I believed them. So most of my time away from home was spent trying to stay warm.
I got very sick. I laid in the dorm room for days before anyone even missed me. In the short time I was away, both my mother and sister tried to harm themselves. I was forced to come back home. According to Peaches, the saddest part about my being gone was that
she finally realized I was not her mother. I was not responsible for her. No one
was. She was free to do what she wanted.
GOING, THIS TIME FOR GOOD!
Life settled into a routine. A never ending, reoccurring pattern of parental feuding, drug abuse, mental health episodes and me, trying to find my place in this world. What
I enjoyed the most was singing. I had been singing at church. My desire was to marry a minister and spend the rest of my life telling others about the Lord. I was sure I could do all of that once I was able to leave the house. I had a great opportunity given to me by a minister named Vic who led the Teen Life Singers and I was offered the opportunity to sing and travel with his choir. Vic led a ministry group in Milwaukee, Wisconsin, that operated a radio station, Christian bookstore and after school clubs for teens.
I worked in the bookstore for a while and assisted the Youth club director. But I felt it was time for me to leave. I wanted to get away from the part I played in the day to day madness at home. What I wanted most was to leave home for good. I felt I was no
longer influential in my sister’s life now that she was older. The way I saw it? I had
sacrificed enough of my life, taking care of my parents. I still remembered that the Lord wanted me to remain single, I just hadn’t planned to obey that “Word” from the Lord.
So, I devised a plan to go to a Christian College once again. This time in a more hospitable part of the country. Springfield, MO.
CENTRAL BRIDAL COLLEGE
I was now 22 years old and I owned a car. And that is all. I had a few
hundred dollars to my name. I had met a girl who planned to attend the same college, so we drove together and split the gas. I managed to apply for a student loan and was accepted, but I was on my own. FREE! I ate because this school included food with tuition. I only knew that I could stay if I could pay, but I determined to trust God for my finances. My mother and father were totally against my going so I could not expect
financial assistance from them. The first few weeks were Heaven on earth.
I would find myself sitting on the lawn outside the college, praising God for the peace I felt. I could get up in the morning and go to bed at night without the stress I endured each, and every day at home. Yet, I knew it was still a horrible place for my sister. That bothered me. Then I met him. His name was Isaac. Isaac worked for the school, picking up trash and cleaning on the campus. I don’t remember how we met, only that I looked forward to seeing him each day. He would stop by outside my 1st floor dorm window and we would “chat” before class. Isaac had a silver front tooth and a winning smile. I had a crush on him.
One day Isaac came by and I could tell by the look on his face, something was wrong. “Lana” he said. “The Lord has been speaking to me and He told me I was not to see you anymore. I don’t know why, only that we are to stop seeing each other.” With that he rode off on his old orange tractor, never to visit me again. I was not surprised. I knew
why this happened. I was to stay single. I had ignored the voice of God, and He was reminding me of His request once again, by telling Isaac we were not to become too close of friends.