It was not long before God spoke to me again, but this time in a dream

My life as a daughter and a caretaker

~ DIARY EXCERPT ~

*THE MOTHER OF MY DREAMS –  July 27^th, 2015

 I had a dream.  I dreamt that I was standing in a group of people who were talking about a wonderful hair stylist who could make your hair feel soft and look healthy and shiny. I believe I dreamed this because the night before, I had been at my daughter’s house. Michael and I had been helping her and Vince to lay tile on a bedroom floor.  The dust from the mortar and grout must have been in the air because when I pushed my hair back into a hair tie it felt course and dry. As I was walking towards the hair stylist, my eyes fell upon this woman whose hair was an example of his work.    Her hair was long and dark brown, and it fell across her shoulders in gentle curls.  I touched her hair and it was just as I expected.  Soft and healthy. I then realized this woman was my mother.    I was so surprised to see her like this.  I looked at her from head to toe.  She was young again! My mother, unlike me, had inherited her small delicate, features from my grandfather who was French.

She was gorgeous, and quite slim and had on a beautiful, stylish dress and shoes.  A far cry from the memories I have of her except for that one when I was in kindergarten.  I remember her visiting me for a Mother’s Day Celebration.  She looked like this then.

Mother spoke and told me that she felt wonderful.  That she was having the time of her life and that she had been out and about, doing different things.  As she told me this story a single tear rolled down her cheek.  I took my finger to wipe it away.   I felt the soft smooth skin on her face.  I took my hand and placed it under her chin to really look at her.

I felt my heart melt.  I longed to see her. Not the mother I remember from the long years of torment and unhappiness. The mother who found comfort and escape through medication. The mother who cried all the time and hid from her abusive husband. THIS is the mother I remember!

I miss the mother I barely knew. The one who was young and happy.  Who now is finally experiencing a fun and happy life; The life I wanted to help her experience after my father passed away! The life she then could not embrace.

As I woke up, I found myself wanting to relive this dream. To be back with my mom. This mom.  I went over and over the details of that dream so I would not forget it.

Mother’s birthday was on July 17th.  I forgot to think about her on that day.  When I remembered days later, I thought oh well, I have no really good memories of her, so it is just as well.

I then heard the Lord speak to my heart.  He told me He was replacing the sad memories of my mother with happy ones.    Now I have tears streaming down my face.   I can’t wait to see my mom  one day in Heaven.  She will look like this!

THAT HOUSE DREAM AGAIN, WITH A TWIST!

 That reoccurring dream.  I never went very long without another dream like it, and I just knew somehow, they were connected.  The houses would change.  Sometimes they were old, and some weren’t houses at all.  I dreamed of a warehouse filled from floor to ceiling, containing stuff.  But I never got to see inside the boxes, drawers, or crates.  Instead, I would wake up.   My favorite house dream took place on a lake.  The steps towards the home were made of glass and I could see the water beneath my feet.

By this point I began to look forward to the dreams.  Some of the houses were so familiar to me that I knew I had been there before.  I became resigned to the fact that I would dream about houses that I would never actually see, and I would never know what surprises would be found in the boxes or drawers.

I then had a dream that really surprised me, I found myself in the home I lived in from birth, until the age of 22.   I was standing in the living room looking at the old door, leading to the attic.   Michael stood before it and took out a skeleton key from his pocket.  He opened the door and I hurried over to see what was inside.  To my surprise, there were no steps.  The attic had been walled up.  Instead, behind the door I found shelves, stacked from top to bottom with items that I just knew belonged to me!

Dreams don’t always make sense, and this dream was no different. Somehow, I managed to get the key from Michael and make a copy of it. I was going to make a duplicate key so that I could open that door and finally look at the things that belonged to me any time I wanted.

THE ANSWER TO MY DREAMS? PERHAPS

When I woke up, I was excited.   I felt that I had finally seen the contents in the drawers and behind the doors. Things that I had collected all those years while waiting for my turn to live my life.  Things from my past.  I immediately began to interpret my dream.  Now, I know that when we have dreams, we feel are from God, we should ask Him for an interpretation. We should pray, search His Word, and sit quietly before Him so that He can speak into our hearts. But I just knew that I knew the interpretation, so I didn’t bother.

Here was my interpretation:  I had lived my life caring for others. I was even caretaker for Michael’s mother and brother for a brief time, following my father and mother’s death.  This had prevented me from doing the things that I had wanted to do for God, for His Glory!   I was certain that now that I had the key, it meant that it was time to claim my dreams hopes and future!   It was now my turn to live my life!  But how would I do that?

I knew that I would not sing for Billy Graham unless I did so in Heaven.   Michael and I had left full time ministry a long time ago, so I would not expect that we would find ourselves starting or serving in a church now that we were retired.

Honestly, I knew I could not expect any church to find a place for me or my giftings at this age.  I had been a church secretary years ago!  I did not think any church would put out the welcome mat for me.   If there was a place for ministry, I would have to find it on my own.

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WHAT DID FULL TIME MINISTRY LOOK LIKE TO ME?

After accepting the Lord and experiencing His love, I naturally expected places of ministry to be a sort of “Heaven on Earth.  But that was not what I found. The church world had its share of trouble and problems as well.   My brief experience as a secretary, revealed quite a different world.  These were real people just like you and I, who had their good and bad days. They were not always fair and just as I had expected,  and the bubble I had wanted to live in, simply did not exist.  I encountered hurts and betrayals from the hands of supposed friends and clergy, that hurt me deeply. The church and its parishioners were people, just like me. I had to forgive them, and I am sure they had to forgive me, for being human and sinful.  My image of the perfect vocation changed dramatically as a result.  I realized then that world I so desperately wanted to be a part of was not located on this earth.  But that did not remove my desire to do more for the Lord.  He was everything to me!

GOD’S INTERPRETATION OF MY DREAM/

THE PRODIGAL DAUGHTER RETURNETH

Weeks went by and I would think about that last dream.  Nothing had really changed, and I was as confused as ever. What did all this mean?  Was I mistaken about my understanding of that dream?  I began to think that there just might be more to my dream then what I had wanted to believe.   I knew I had to ask the Lord for guidance.

The Lord is gentle and very, very patient.  Sometimes when we pray, we only want verification that His will and desire is our will and desire, even when it isn’t!   He also knows when we are ready to hear what He is trying to show us.   I was now ready.

All throughout my Christian life I knew how important it was to obey the Lord, but I didn’t always want to.   Like the time I was sick and tired of taking care of my parents. I was tired of their fighting, and it seemed like nothing ever changed.   God gave me a very clear understanding that I had to choose to care for them as He instructed me. But He would not force me to; it had to be my choice.  If I obeyed, He would do what only He could do to care for them and bring them to Him.  I am so glad that I did obey, because He then gave me an opportunity to lead them to Him before they died. Imagine what it would be like if everyone chose to follow and obey the Lord.

The Holy Spirit gently spoke: “For years you have wanted to escape God’s plan for your life  because it was painful. The reoccurring dreams were your attempt to escape the life you were chosen to live and live the life you wanted. The boxes contained your hopes, dreams and wishes.  To serve God you  must first become His servant and a servant does what their master tells them to do.  Do you remember years ago, you asked the Lord to allow you to stay home with your children, instead of working?  What did the Lord say?”   I knew exactly what the Lord told me. I flipped open my Bible and it landed on Luke chapter 17.

 Luke 17:7-9  When a servant comes in from plowing or taking care of sheep, he doesn’t just sit down and eat, but first prepares his master’s meal and serves him his supper before he eats his own. And he is not even thanked, for he is merely doing what he is supposed to do. 

Luke 17:10   Just so, if you merely obey me, you should not consider yourselves worthy of praise. For you have simply done your duty!

I knew that the Lord was correcting me.  I did not want to work full time. I didn’t want to work at all!  I wanted to stay home with my children, and so I begged God!   But God wanted me to work outside the home.  And He told me to obey Him without asking questions.

A servant does what they are told to do.  And so, I stopped asking God to release me, and instead, attempted to do the best job I could.   Years later, I was so thankful I had gone to work and learned to be a purchasing agent. I also learned about marketing and Graphic Arts.  Years later, I had to earn money when Michael had suffered heart attacks and could not work as he had.   So, God knew what was best, and I now had the skills to support us.

Well Lord, what do you want me to do now?”

TO BE CONTINUED…